Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
