I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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