i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
