I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
