thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
