You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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