Who wears a wallet chain?!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
