got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize