you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
