that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
