The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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