How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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