and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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