So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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