Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
