My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize