Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
