He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
