Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
