Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
