so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
