so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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