threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
