Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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