i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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