you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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