Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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