made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
