i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
