I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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