I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
