you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
