I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
