Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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