If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize