Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
