You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
