you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
