I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
