Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
