I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
