I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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