i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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