I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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