i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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