If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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