I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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