u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize