If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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