Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize