just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
