Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
