Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize