worst night to have a conscience
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
