Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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