WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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