I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
