im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
