My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
