Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
