Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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