Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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