i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
